So, I titled the intro to this blog, “A Journey Back to My Soul.” Sounds great… a little poetic, a little uplifting. But, what does it mean – exactly – to journey back to one’s soul? And how would you know where to go, what to take and when you actually got there?
As I said before, my journey started with the mantra of simple peace. It was about reordering my life not to what I thought should matter but to what really mattered. In a lot of ways, it wasn’t just about reordering my priorities. Instead, it was about actually placing a value on the things that were truly most important to me. Rather than seeing experiences with family, friends, pets and home as “nice to have,” those experiences became “need to have”. They went from nearly zero value to ranking first. And once that happened, everything else fell significantly behind.
But it’s not like I planned it.
There, I said it. I really had no idea I was about to embark on a journey. It’s like entering one of those corn mazes. I was just blithely twisting and turning along, laughing at my ineptness and enjoying being a little carefree when I finally wound up here. When I got here, I just assumed I was brilliant for having navigated to here. For goodness sake, I had single-handedly taken myself from just existing to a state of pretty perpetual contentment and without much effort at all. It had to be my amazing wisdom that had made this happen.
In short, no.
This journey to my soul was simply instinctive. At each decision point in this maze of life, I made a choice. Each time, I considered what was going to help me maintain my newfound sense of peace.
Ultimately, I couldn’t stay lost in the corn maze forever and today, real life can intrude into my sense of contentment. Years of renovation projects, a job that can still be stressful, a pandemic… all elements that lead to stress. Each time I find myself succumbing to the pressures of work or the stressors in life, I’ve had to pull myself up short, reflect back and once again re-prioritize my life.
Take yesterday for example. I was super stressed. Part of the stress related to work travel. I need to go on a five-day work trip that I wasn’t necessarily anticipating earlier in the month and this trip takes me away from home for my whole three-day weekend. In and of itself, that makes me sad. Then, we had a sick kitty who had to go to the vet. We were also getting our driveway done and neither my husband nor myself were exactly pleased with the result. Finally, it had been a long day with a flurry of stress-inducing emails hitting my inbox after 5 p.m. It was enough to send me spiraling back to the old days. And I nearly went there.
Instead, however, I practiced the resiliency I’ve been reading so much about. Dinner? It became an “order out” kind of night. No one is going to go into vitamin deficiency on one night of ordered out food. Kitty integration? We took a break. Twister’s fine with Meadow but she didn’t feel well and she’s still coming to terms. Her stressed out kitty parents didn’t need to navigate introductions and make matters worse. So, each kitty got one-on-one time and both seemed eminently happy.
And me? I expressed what I needed, without immediately taking back the words. What did I need? Lately, we have been working from sun up to sun down. If it isn’t chasing the end of the garden and making sure as much food as possible gets preserved, it’s been projects like the driveway and the bathroom renovation. In between, work has gotten super busy after a very slow few months and the two cats need more attention than what they will eventually need when fully integrated. So, I needed a more permanent change of pace. I needed some confidence that we would quit work sometimes by four or five p.m. Maybe six sometimes, maybe three sometimes. But not seven or eight p.m. I didn’t want my days spent transitioning from work-work to home-work. I want Saturdays to be unscheduled. I want more time to play, candidly. Because otherwise, why had I changed my life?
And we came up with a plan. When I think about my new life as a journey, I think about a plan as turning off another major roadway and back onto a side street. The pace is slower here and there’s not a lot of traffic – which I translate to be the “noise” of our lives. I grip the steering wheel a little less tightly and I can take a look at my surroundings. I think more clearly and I prioritize more appropriately. In this case, our plan is two nights of week with an early knock-off time so that we can prepare a meal together, go for a walk, sit and have a pre-dinner glass of wine or have a movie night. Saturdays will not be planned but will be spontaneous for all that we can manage it. When Ironman training rolls around, my husband won’t be able to keep Saturdays unplanned, but I will.
The result?
Well, today, the hamster wheel got rolling again pretty quickly. Lots of client needs to meet and a lot of different head spaces to be in. But, the driveway we both were disappointed in looks better today. Meadow’s tests came back mostly normal and she’s going to be just fine. And it’s 5:18 p.m. and I’m writing my blog. It wasn’t a slow day, but it now has some guard rails around it. When I close the computer, I’ll be focused on home, not work and family, not spreadsheets.
Tonight there’s homemade shrimp teriyaki on the menu with riced cauliflower and wine. Kitties have been well taken care of with lots of human time all day. And there’s going to be a frost tonight so there may just be a fire in the fireplace. A glass of wine is definitely in my immediate future.
I’ve come to realize that the journey back to my soul wasn’t really one of a hapless idiot meandering through a corn maze. Neither was I brilliant. Instead, I made decisions and choices to the best of my ability. They were likely much easier to make and much more clear choices between what matters most and what doesn’t. Now, the choices get a little more nuanced and they take a little more aforethought and effort. I also have to be able to define not just what is important but what it is I need. Yet, when I am able to do that, that same wonderful sense of calm, purpose and direction washes over me.
I need some easy days and at least one day a week that is completely unscheduled. And yes, I can make that happen.
The Yuppie Homesteader 