Mind Clutter

With the anticipated arrival of spring in a few weeks, my internal clock tends to turn to cleaning things out. I’m not sure if this is lessons I’ve learned from my mom or just a natural activity of humans. Do we all engage in a good, old-fashioned “clean it out session” each spring? Like, when we lived in caves, did the pending arrival of spring clue us in to remove dirt, debris and other items which may have begun to lose their usefulness and, if natural materials, begun the process of decaying? Who knows? (Well, obviously somebody does.) But regardless, this post is about now and my urge to clean things out.

Thankfully (?), I’ve got lots of targets. There’s my closet or my dresser, both of which are just clamoring for a little love. My office, where things got stacked behind the corner sofa so that Twister could have more room, is also making silent pleas for a good decluttering each time I walk by. And of course, the fridge. There are literally cranberries from Thanksgiving in my fridge. Now, in my favor, I have to say that cranberries last a lllloooonnnngggg time. But yeah, they probably shouldn’t be there.

Along with the house clutter, I seem to have a good deal of mind clutter these days. Some of it is natural. I haven’t had a vacation since last June and my job is incredibly stimulating with lots of “virtual” people and lots of different head spaces. Some of it is pandemic related. The news changes everyday and my mind, which is constantly wondering when the pandemic will end, feels an ever-present need to tune in and catch up, just in case someone declared that it was going to be over next week. And then there is the personal. I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and my coping mechanism – outside of trips to the sunshine – seems to be filling my mind with daydreams of either trips to Florida or a fully renovated house.

As I write the above, I start to get overwhelmed with the totality of the clutter in my life and I feel that same anxiety rising. I’ve got a client on deadline this week; another client for whom I have a Monday presentation that isn’t quite finished; and a third project that has to be done Wednesday to bring in future work. Plus, I really wanted to take today off and give myself a break. Or at least a break from work. Instead, I planned on making a large chicken and broccoli casserole so that we could take some frozen leftovers on our trip and avoid going to a restaurant while on the road. I wanted to clean out one of the aforementioned cluttered areas. Finally, I wanted to make sure we had a plan for the two fur babies when we went away and that all of our kitty sitters were appropriately lined up.

Instead, I’m sitting here at just after eight in the morning on a Sunday and I’m entirely paralyzed. While I’m melting into the couch like a pile of goo, my mind is racing. The typical self-pitying thoughts are dancing around my head: how do other people get away with things like taking Sundays off? Wasn’t life supposed to be easier when I worked part-time? How can we ever make living here easier? It can’t be this hard all of the time.

Now, even as I type those thoughts, I realize how selfish they are. Darryl and I have it pretty darned good. We don’t struggle and while we may have to work hard, there are plenty of people who are working hard and struggling. Also, we are in control of our destinies. These deadlines didn’t just happen to me. I signed up for each and every one of them. And finally, at the end of this week, we take off on Saturday to drive to New Orleans for a week to finally celebrate Christmas with my in-laws. So, it’s literally one last crush of work – mostly today, Monday and Tuesday – and I can relatively skate through the remainder of the week and look forward to my vacation.

Yes, the logical progression I just took myself through helps. It brings me back down to earth and lets me reduce my anxiety by honestly framing the scope of work rather than allowing my thoughts to simply explode into every nook and cranny that it can. But, I’ve also learned a new trick this week from one of my colleagues, who is an expert in workforce, resiliency and therapy. She explained that when we live in the past-future cycle, we run our minds ragged. We exhaust ourselves thinking about things that have happened in the past and fretting about things that either need to happen or may happen in the future. In that cycle, we never allow our mind to relax and simply be in the present. Without being in the present, we fail to give ourselves a break.

So, that’s my goal today. To take five minutes and simply be. If it’s getting into a relaxing yoga pose and just focusing on my breathing and the sights and sounds around me or getting lost in the sensation of what it takes to build a fire in the fireplace. Something that makes me stay in the present so that my mind can break the past/future cycle. I think, in a way, that’s why I enjoy jigsaw puzzles. As I am matching color and shape to find the correct piece, I just have to be. The whole world seems to disappear from around me and it’s me and a piece of cardboard that’s looking for a home. There is no time to get out a jigsaw puzzle and finish it before we leave, but I can indulge in some other activities to reduce the chaos and clutter in my brain. And I can remind myself that if I don’t preserve my own sense of stability, my ability to navigate multiple projects and deadlines suffers. If that suffers, my clients suffer.

So, it’s time to get lost again. Maybe for five minutes and maybe for ten. But I need to go mind wandering. When I get back, I’ll be fine. So, I ask you: how do you clear your mind clutter?