So, if I count the things I don’t really get anymore, a whole weekend tops the list. There’s just too much to do. Between the house, the career, the yard, the pet care, the endless time I spend worrying… there just isn’t enough leftover to be a person most weekends. I haven’t had time to read a book in years – not weeks – and I rarely cook anything that isn’t a recipe I know by heart. As for the creative things – writing in my blog or painting – those have been nonexistent as well. Essentially, I’m pretty much just working a task list most of the time.
This weekend is my birthday weekend and while it isn’t necessarily that special of a weekend for me, it is a built-in excuse. As of 5 p.m. today, I am off for the weekend. Granted, I already accepted a meeting for 2 p.m. tomorrow, but that is usually a very quick meeting and with a client I enjoy working for. So, I can do it quickly and move on. Other than that? I’ve got the WHOLE weekend. I mean, the WHOLE weekend.
What will I do with all of this glorious time, you ask? Well, for starters, I’ve still got two furry little beings that make their presence known. But they bring joy – if a little work sometimes – so I’m not too fussed about the little bit of time pet care will take. Belly rubs? Those could be on tap for extended time, but again, that brings me just as much joy as it does them. I am also really looking forward to hanging out with my wonderful husband. He has to work tomorrow, though. So, that’s a totally free day for me. (Whoot! And sorry, sweetheart.)
The other things on my list? I plan on reading, for starters. I’ve got three books I’ve started – all from different vacations – and none have been completed. I’ve got a little internet shopping to do to refresh my bathroom or my office or something that I feel like refreshing but haven’t yet decided yet. I’ve got plans to make a nice dinner with my husband. Tonight, I have a yoda nidra class at 7 p.m. Essentially, I’ve got lots of ways to fill these next 72 hours.
Yet, I want to make sure that I don’t fill them all. I’m like the hamster stuck on the wheel. I need the stimulation – the constant stimulation – even when it creates stress and anxiety for me. It somehow feels uncomfortable if I’m not constantly overstimulated. The good news is that I cognitively know that when I do break the cycle of overstimulation, the reward is tremendous. After a bumpy few hours where I’m panicked because I’m not panicked, I calm down and I’m focused. I sleep better. I breathe more slowly. I relax inside and out.
So this weekend? I’m forcing myself not to fill every minute. Instead, I will hit pause at various times and just let my mind wander. Maybe I’ll open up a jigsaw puzzle, which is one of the biggest ways I force myself to hit pause. When I get lost in doing a puzzle, my mind simply drifts lazily to wherever it would like to go. I’ll lay in bed a little longer in the morning this weekend, allowing myself to wake up slowly and without any commitments. I’ll turn off the television, turn down the lights and sit just for a few minutes in silence.
And I will hopefully come back to me. I’ve lost her lately. That girl who loved writing and acoustic rock and painting and lunch with my bestie and dinner with my hubbers and sweet kitty time. I’ve lost the girl who could spend hours and hours picking out an area rug and even longer designing built-in bookshelves for her office. I’ve lost the girl who loved to explore science, particularly astronomy. I’ve lost the creative photographer who loved to capture the emotion of the moment on a person’s face.
In our world today, we talk a lot about simplicity. Retailers provide us with wall art we can hang to remind ourselves of simplicity. Some folks feel a loss of their culture because the world has become too complex. But at the heart of what keeps and makes life simple is our choice to slow down. My life had wound up to “Gail speed” lately. And in that crazy way that “Gail speed” becomes self-perpetuating, the more exhausted I felt the harder I thought I had to push myself. “Grind it out,” I’d think to myself. “I know you’re tired, but if you just get a little bit farther ahead now, just imagine how much you’re going to enjoy that break.”
I didn’t get farther ahead this week. In fact, I slipped backwards. But, it’s now 5:47 p.m. and I don’t care. I’ve been given this weekend. The WHOLE weekend. And I get to just be. No expectations. No Sunday yardstick to measure my weekend achievements by. No task list to get done this weekend to make next week easier. Instead, I am going to post this blog, turn off my computer and just be.
I can be more next week or next weekend. This weekend? I’m just me.
The Yuppie Homesteader 