These days, life has been a little overwhelming. Work got busy, the garden got busy, the cats still take up a lot of time and the noise and upheaval surrounding the pandemic, vaccinations and “new normal” started to wear on me. I ended up somewhere between “How did I get here” and “Where in the hell am I?” Fourteen months into Covid and I’ve gained nearly 20 pounds, I’m exhausted, unmotivated and just feeling blah. Most of all, I feel like this when I have absolutely no right to. My life throughout the pandemic did not change very much. I have an amazing husband and family and didn’t lose anyone close to me. We didn’t suffer any financial hardships. I was able to work the entire time and my husband and I were self-isolated out here in the middle of nowhere before it was even cool. So, it’s not legit that I found myself here. But here I am and candidly, I’m just as surprised as anybody. I wasn’t expecting to be here.
And thus, I begin the process of weaving myself back into a good spot. I’ve done this before and I know I can do it. Protect myself and my time a little bit. Don’t say yes to everything. Take a vacation. Get exercise. Write. Read. Have lunch or dinner with friends. Simplify my life. Get rid of things – including emotions – that I no longer need.
I have to admit, my progress has been a little slow. Mostly, it’s fits and starts. Part of it is that I’m older and part of it is that this time, it’s just a little harder. Take today. I had pizza and a Coke for lunch today and chased it down with some potato chips about five minutes ago. But, I’ve got a glass of ice water by my side now and I plan to take a walk after my last call of the day. I could easily work this weekend, but I said no and for once, stuck to my guns. I’m even putting my out-of-office on. But, my house is a mess – my bed isn’t made, laundry needs to be done and everything needs picked up and cleaned. I am as much stuck in the rut as I am climbing out of it. I’d like to say it will all get fixed by the end of the weekend, but in reality, I am now resigned to the fact that this fix is going to take months not days and it will be – once again – one of those fundamental life-shifting events that I have learned to navigate with as much joy and grace as I can muster.
Honestly, just as I wasn’t sure that day after the first yoga Nidra class how I was going to fix my life, I’m not sure now. I imagine that it will involve working a little less but I also think it needs to involve making our life a little less work. We have the contractor coming in October to finish our downstairs. That will be huge in helping to get us organized and tidied up. With the renovations, everything that currently is hanging out in a box or shoved into a room or corner will be put away in its own designated spot. Easy to retrieve when needed; not out and a tripping hazard when not.
I will also be working less hours come July 1st. Granted, not a LOT less – just the equivalent of a full day per month – but enough less to buy myself more free time. We talk all the time (and by “we,” I really mean “me” and my husband just nods) that the cats are becoming less work.
So, what is left that I can do? There’s only so many outside things I can change. Make the house easier, check. Work less, check. Cats become less work, maybe check (let’s be honest). Now comes the hard work, I fear. Uncluttering my mind and freeing it up to be calm. To do that, I really have to unwind some of my ways of living. I just don’t know where to start on that one. In a lot of ways, quitting my job was the easy decision. In fact, it was pretty much a no-brainer. But changing my ways? Ugh! That feels awful, clunky and unfamiliar. And yet, I’m out of ways to make things better without fundamentally changing me.
And so it begins. Baby steps at first. I am resolved to stop filling my body up with so much junk and just make healthier choices. No, the chips and pizza aren’t out of bounds. If I want them that badly, I’ll eat them. Hopefully, I’ll just make smarter choices when it’s not really about chips and pizza but more a matter of convenience. Daily walks? Now on my schedule but keeping them is the problem. Something always seems to get in the way. Work overload? I’m blocking this week’s upcoming schedule to protect myself and the deadlines I’m in danger of blowing right past if I don’t fly right.
And starting this weekend, I need to learn to live more slowly. To not try and cram as much work, effort, renovation, gardening, living, cleaning, prepping, cat care and obligations as I can into the mere 24 hours a day that I’m given. I need to reset my expectations. This weekend? I’ll clean the upstairs and my bathrooms. I’ll also make a good meal or two, keep the kitchen cleaned up, do some laundry and play with kitties.
Other things on my list are to take pictures at my niece’s wedding dress fitting, make the chicken salad for her bridal shower and just have a relaxing day at her shower on Saturday. But that’s it. That’s a very full weekend and thankfully I have three-day weekends these days. Next week? I’ll work three days and then take a five-day weekend. Maybe I’ll get my gardens mulched; maybe I’ll get to write a little. Regardless, I need “mind time”. Notice I didn’t see “me time.” I’ve got me time whenever I want it largely. But mind time? Time when I just let my mind rest? That’s a precious and rare commodity.
But somehow, I need to stop weaving in and out of traffic. I’m like that super aggressive driver who keeps weaving between the lanes on the highway to get ahead of one more car. But instead of it being fellow drivers, it’s an endless array of tasks. Meanwhile, life has been whizzing by me and I can barely see it in the rear view mirror. Time to reduce speed, merge all the way right and just let the traffic go around me for awhile.
The Yuppie Homesteader 