So, I’ve had a mini-epiphany. Mind you, I have these a lot. But this one is big as far as mini-epiphanies go. In the past year, my anxiety has taken over my life. For all that I write about living a slower pace of life – which is true – it is not without stress. And generally, the largest portion of that stress is self-induced due to out-of-control anxiety.
Let me explain. When I was a successful CEO turning around a seriously troubled organization, it was worry that saved us all. I obsessed all of the time. But it was that obsession that allowed me – and us – to be successful. The constant pressure to figure difficult situations out made me get creative and at times, I can admit now that I did the impossible. That success led me to repeating the successful behavior. That is human behavior, after all.
And then, I got exhausted. I mean, really really tired. At the end of the day, I had to walk away. No human can live at that intensity for that amount of time. As I’ve said before, through a series of gradual realizations, including a Yoga Nidra class and a twice-in-a-lifetime offer, I left the highway of being a CEO and took the first exit ramp back to “real life.”
For the first three years or so, just being here was enough to keep my stress levels pretty reduced. I didn’t exactly learn new behaviors but it wasn’t obvious. Because I wasn’t working full-time and I was at home – a calm and comforting environment – I was able to keep the bad, obsessive habits away. But who knew? A pandemic would blow through and for the last almost 18 months, I’ve been practicing high stress as a lifestyle.
Until yesterday. Candidly, nothing special happened yesterday. It wasn’t a work day. No Yoga Nidra class. Nothing good or bad happened. Instead, I realized in the few quiet moments that I had while sitting in my favorite easy chair that it was me. I was choosing anxiety. I was always living as if disaster was about to happen and I had gotten into a very dangerous habit of over-planning and trying to eliminate any potential disaster. It was time, I realized, to let it be.
There are two other times in my life when I learned to let it be. The first was when my husband (then boyfriend) crashed and we were facing a very long recovery. The second time was when my sister was diagnosed. Each time, I made a conscious decision to not worry about the future but to live in the exact moment I was in. Rather than focusing on what was the next step in his recovery or what would happen if her cancer came back, I told myself that it was important to be present now and that whatever was going to happen would be largely out of my control. The only thing I could control was my response. So, I did it. And in doing so, I managed to find joy again in my life. With the fear of a failed recovery or a return of the cancer at bay, I focused on finding happiness in everyday. The result? I was so much happier and a better support to all of those around me. Even more, I was more prepared to handle bad news, should it come.
And that’s the epiphany I had yesterday. No one had to face a health crisis this time – although I guess the ongoing pandemic can be classified as a global health crisis. But instead, I just learned the lesson. Finally. After so many opportunities to learn it before. I learned the lesson. This time, it wasn’t a crisis that motivated me. Instead, it was a desire to live better.
Once I chose to simply live in joy rather than anticipate disaster, things have immediately started getting better. The renovations that have our house literally torn up from end to end are manageable. My stress about an upcoming trip has melted away. Even my work stress – where I’d normally be feeling the pressure of billable hours – is ebbing. I am choosing joy. The rest? Well, it can darn well figure itself out.
The timing couldn’t be better. In four days, I leave for four days with my sisters in Florida. In 4-6 weeks, these renovations will be over and as of Thursday, they will also be completely paid for. In just 16 weeks, I will reduce my work life to just three days a week and worrying about hours will be generally a thing of the past. So, I’m choosing joy at a time when I can truly begin to focus on my mental health and this feels good. Maybe at 52 – nearly 53 – I am finally learning the lessons I’ve needed to learn for 20 years. Who knows? But I do know this: I get it now. Without a tragedy to motivate me, on a regular Saturday with so much to look forward to, I get it. I finally get it.
Choosing joy does not mean that bad things won’t happen. I suspect that bad things will happen just as often as they would have done had I not chosen joy. Maybe a little less as there will be less self-induced bad things happening. But choosing joy means more that I get to live up to my fullest potential and I get to experience the brightness and beauty in this world as brilliantly as I can. Instead of allowing fear, worry and anxiety to cloud my everyday, I will choose joy. In choosing joy, I can be more of a comfort and source of joy to others, particularly my husband and family.
Choosing joy is not about putting on blinders and ignoring what happens around you. Instead, it is about saying that the moment you are in has a binary choice: happy or sad. The moment is what it is. It could be a great moment in your life or it could be a difficult one. But how you react? That’s on you. Coming from a place of joy means I’ll be able to react with joy more often. And when I do? I respond better. Everyone around me responds much better. Life just gets better and better.
So, that’s it. I choose joy.
The Yuppie Homesteader 