So, I am about to start working even less and I was feeling guilty. My husband has been working a little more than full-time in his new role. It helps that he loves it and he still has considerable flexibility, but I still felt guilty about going more part-time. Then, we dug deep into our personal savings for our renovations – a project I pushed for – and it seemed like I should be willing to work harder and make more money for a longer period of time to help us rebuild our cushion. Again, guilt. In my heart, I just knew I didn’t have enough gas left in the tank to work beyond when I had intended, but I still felt guilty. So, what happened to change that?
Three things actually and all represent a key element of why my life needs to be different now.
First, we need to finish our renovations. Wait! Isn’t that why I was feeling guilty because of cost? Yes, but the next phase is all us. And even though me working less doesn’t help my husband necessarily work less, it does help us set up for renovation projects on the weekend. The fact that I can get things prepped and ready, even if it’s having lunch and dinners ready so we can work steadily or having all of the supplies in the house so we don’t have to run to the hardware store mid-stream helps. So, check one on why I need to work less: our lives run better when one partner can focus on smoothing the family pathway for special projects or just everyday life.
The second reason? Well, two friends – one primarily my husband’s and one mine (although completely shared – she’d be offended if I said otherwise) – are coming home on Memorial Day weekend. Again, me having time to pick one up at the airport and to get provisions to welcome the other to stay at our house is vital to a fun, relaxing weekend. I cringe at what it would feel like to come to someone’s house and feel like a burden. Check two: me working less allows us to socialize better. Again, I can make the room in our collective schedules for us to focus on fun if I’m taking care of the details.
Then, there was the big Kahuna which eliminated my guilt: work travel. Now, there’s two ways I generally make my billable target as a consultant. Prior to Covid, it was travelling for clients. That extra 10, 15 or 20 hours travelling were easy hours to rack up. Did it matter that I didn’t sleep or that I got travel anxiety? Yes, but it seemed like the only way. Then, during the pandemic, I learned that I could hit my hours by taking on lots of projects – and lots of zoom calls. It wasn’t easy but I could do four to five zoom calls a day and get hours. The problem was that after call number three – and likely the fourth different head space I had been in a day – I was exhausted. With the pandemic waning and my travel again picking up, I was initially grateful. Travel seemed like a bit easier of a way to hit my hours. In the back of my mind, I was feeling guilty: couldn’t I just suck it up, travel, hit my hours and shut up about it? A little lost sleep never hurt anybody, really.
Enter my client trip this week. Google maps told me it was a seven-hour trip and largely on either rural roads or highways I knew well. Okay. That sounded like a good reset on travel. It had taken me 31 hours to get home from Texas in February – all due to weather – and I had been busy telling myself that the trip was an anomaly and I was just weak. So, I hit the road just as a winter storm was waning. Normally, that’s not a big issue. Except this time. It was white-outs and white-knuckled driving the first three hours and by the time I drove out of it, stopped for gas and a biobreak, I was already 20 minutes behind. The trip would end up taking 7.5 hours to get there. By the time I arrived – thankfully with no more travel drama – it was over. I was officially retiring the guilt. Check number three: my family would like me to be around, even if I’m making less money.
So, on the trip home last night, I settled in to a guilt-free new life. Yes, I drove home on little sleep but thankfully traffic wasn’t bad. It still took me 7.5 hours. Due to the lack of sleep, I had to stop more often to stay awake and then there was a little more construction on the way back. When I got home, my amazing husband greeted me with an offer to carry my suitcase and homemade soup. Kitty snuggles, one beer and bowl of soup later and I went to bed. I woke up this morning even more resolved: my new life is what I need and what this little family needs. Bring it on!
And so it begins. I am now genuinely looking forward to my upcoming transition without the same sense of guilt. It occurs to me that I had to work through this guilt and that eventually, I would have gotten to this same outcome. It’s just my process. I was the kid who went and got a job at McDonald’s the same week I turned 16 because I wanted things and didn’t expect my parents to pay for it. My husband and I have established a family culture where we have been constantly improving this house since before we were married. I lived poor for too many years when I first graduated college to not value the ability to earn more money and make things financially easier. And I adore my husband. More than I want an easier life for me, I want an easier life for him and our fur babies. It genuinely felt selfish to take something I craved so much for myself when I couldn’t offer the same to him.
But eventually I processed it all. Starting with my husband: he didn’t want the same things I did. He loves what he does and he is enjoying being busy. I was simply projecting. Plus, he loves the fact that I will take over most of the mowing and trimming. Then, there was the guilt about earning money. The truth in life is that the more you earn, the more you decide you will need to earn. A few more dollars won’t change what really makes me happy: making a home cooked meal to enjoy with my husband on a weeknight, hanging out with my sisters and our families around the lake in summer, seeing family at the holidays, cutting down our own Christmas tree, snuggling with our kitties on the weekends and enjoying a glass of wine in front of whatever fire we have made. Dollars don’t change that. Maybe the quality of the wine improves, but I swear the cats don’t judge. At least not on dollars.
And finally, we are slowly beginning to adopt a new culture when it comes to the house. As my brother-in-law would say, “It’s not just good; it’s good enough.” The house will one day be done but it doesn’t have to be top of the line. And if you would judge me because I don’t have the best of everything then, candidly, I don’t want you in my house. But, if you would judge me because I made you feel welcomed and freely offered what I did have that I could share, then come on in. I’m not fancy. I never have been. And what matters most to me is the warmth within these walls and the love, laughter and kindness that is freely offered.
So, guilt, you need to go. You have no place here. In exactly eight weeks, my life will change again. And I will use the good time that I have been given to make our lives better. I’ll take better care of my family, be more present in the lives of extended family and friends and even serve my community a little better. What I won’t do? Work as much or feel guilty about it.
The Yuppie Homesteader 