These days, life could easily be better. My closest friend is driving “home” today for 12 hours because she’s losing her father. After months or renovation and more money than we anticipated, we are left with more projects on our “to do” list than before and a friend is coming to stay in approximately six weeks. We are still in the tails of a pandemic and the images of the war in Ukraine are very hard to bear witness to. And while it’s easy to simply say, “So many more have it worse than us, so the stress is not justified,” it doesn’t solve the problem. While others do have it way worse and some others have it significantly better, doing a simple comparison analysis ignores the fact that, at our core, this little family is stressed. Acknowledging the stress and putting it in comparison with other stresses helps one to have a better understanding of where we are and, more importantly, how to rediscover joy.
For what it’s worth, I’m going to walk through my own process of how I get from stressed out to peaceful without necessarily having great control over my stressors.
It will be what it will be. So, a big ongoing stress in our life is our house. After a sleepless night worrying about everything under the sun, it comes down to this: the house is stressing us both out. Add to that the stress of a pending guest and you can see where all of this leads. But here’s the skinny on the unfinished house: we have a plan for what we can control. No, there is no way that between now and Memorial Day weekend we will have been able to finish the gutted bathroom, the ceilings in both Darryl and the guest bathroom ceilings, install trim throughout the house and lay the hardwood floors upstairs. It’s not gonna happen. But, what we can do? Well, we can finish the bathroom and get the window trim up and re-installed in the guest bedroom. That will allow our guests to have a mostly renovation-free experience. And if those things are done, it significantly reduces the pressures on home project. Why? We acutely feel both the loss of the bedroom and the bathroom. The other projects? Well, they will have to wait until there’s time. And that leads to my next perspective on capturing joy in tough times:
Do what you can and love what you do. In this case, there are some in-between things I can do to take away project stress. For example, we are currently living with a luan subfloor in our upstairs hallway that is strewn with rugs. It looks barely livable. What would clean this up? A little porch floor paint, the removal of the extra rugs, leaving just two which coordinate with each other. The impact? For about $40, it won’t feel so “unlivable” upstairs and will, again, take the pressure off of renovation. I can also just engage in my process of relentless incrementalism. Every day, pick up at least three things that will make the house better. At the end of 33 days, I’ll have picked up nearly 100 items. That makes things better without it feeling like extra work.
When in doubt, be present. So the biggest thing that happens in times of stress is that I stop “being present.” Instead, I wrap myself in worry like I’m freezing and it’s a big warm, fuzzy blanket. By huddling under the blanket, I fail to see the sunshine, go for that walk that will make my soul happy, have a cup of coffee with a friend or share a meal and a laugh with my husband. It’s actually EASIER to not be present, honestly. I’ve got too much to worry about. But, with time and insight, I’ve come to understand that it is worry itself that is the enemy and not the stressor. Worry, the thing I valued so much as a professional, is what is dragging me down as a person. Would I love our somewhat well-to-do friends to have a beautiful, if not cozy, place to stay when they came to visit? Absolutely. Is that what I can offer? No. Will it still be nice, comfortable, clean and safe? Yes. Will they still have everything to have a good time? Absolutely. Especially if I stop worrying about it.
And finally, be kind. Of all things, I have found that when I am kind, I am happy. I used to have a saying about the key to life, which was: “Be good and be happy.” I figured you couldn’t have one without the other. It was hard to be happy if one was not being a good person. How we feel about ourselves is key to our happiness. And then, one could not be happy without being good. It just makes you feel better to be a light in someone else’s life.
So, that’s it. Somewhat trite, Definitely worn. But that’s my key to finding joy in a stressed out life. Take control of what you can, accept and acknowledge what you can’t, don’t shut yourself off and be nice. That’s all I’ve got. Somehow, I am confident that it will be enough… again.
The Yuppie Homesteader 