It occurs to me that in terms of living my life with purpose, I’ve done an “okay” job these past six years. Soon after quitting my full-time CEO gig, my mom got sick and we lost her six months later. Not six months after that, both my sister and brother-in-law (two sisters – one sister and one sister’s husband) showed up with cancer. Since then, living with purpose has truly meant living with a hyper focus on home and family. It wasn’t what I needed to do for others, it was what I needed to do for me. The only way I could live with myself moving forward was if I had my priorities straight.
Now, the threat of recurrence for either family member still looms, even five years later. But with that, I’ve come to realize that maybe I shrunk my world a little too far. Instead, perhaps as I spend a whole lot of time praying for good things to happen for my family, maybe I ought to also be part of the good things that happens for others? I’d like to think that some of my current pro bono work counts as well as the four starving strays that now call our place home but even I recognize its not enough. (And straight up: I don’t think the pets could handle “outdoors” anymore – they’re way too soft and one is currently sleeping in a basket of warm laundry.)
But as I think about the “me” I need to be going forward, I’m not sure who that is yet. In one sense, I’m still pretty overwhelmed and life has not “slowed down” after the wedding like I promised my husband. In another sense, if it’s really not going to slow down, then isn’t it about time I dealt with both my sense of being overwhelmed AND my need to be a better human who occupies this world?
And that leads me to tonight. It’s the end of a long weekend and I’m grateful for it as we used that time to pull about 650 square feet of ¾-inch maple floor boards out of our basement. And I’m also mindful that the flooring now sitting in my dining room needs to be installed, which means nights and weekends worth of work for this little family (and a nephew with mad carpentry skills looking for some part-time work).
Still, without excuses, the question remains: what can I do to be that better human in a way that is both impactful and feeds my soul?
It occurs to me that my primary goal would be to help the helpless. When I look at my sweet pets and what tough little lives they led before becoming the couch cougars they are today, I do want to give back in a way that truly makes an impact, even if it is only one person or one thing. I would rather go a mile deep and an inch wide than an inch deep and a mile wide. The next thing I think about is doing something that in a way is mine alone. In a world where I am constantly surrounded by voices on a daily basis (I average 3-4 zoom calls a day still), that space to do something one-on-one and in person is very appealing. I definitely don’t want it to be in the health care industry… not only do I find health care still wildly disillusioning, but it occurs to me that such an endeavor is a bit of a busman’s holiday. And finally, despite my sharing it here, I want whatever effort I undertake to be under the radar. I know it sounds incongruous to this post, but here’s the deal: this post is about how I’m not the best human in the world; me doing something for someone else would be about me actually doing better.
So, with these pins in the ground, it feels like I can find my way. I get it: it’s not going to be a fast-success thing and that the changes I’m talking about are more incremental than monumental. It will be gradual. Just like the pursuit of simple peace, this new endeavor of simple gifting is going to take time to be real and meaningful. But it is worth doing. Amidst the noise, chaos and, candidly, overwhelming gifts of our everyday, there is room for me to be more. It may take me time and faith to find my direction and even more time and faith to make an impact. But it’s what happens next. Even as I continue to pray, I need to be the answers to someone else’s prayer.
The Yuppie Homesteader 