I read a somewhat interesting treatise yesterday about the concept of a “traditional wife,” a so-called “tradwife” for short. The article was a bit biased, focusing on one woman’s unhappy experience and then, in an attempt at equity, threw in a brief interview of another woman’s happy experience. What got lost in the shuffle? Well, something very important that the woman who was happy with her life said. I’m not quoting directly here, but it was similar to: she had defined a life that made her happy and if a different life made another woman happy, then she was happy for her, too.
Therein, to me, lies the real tension that women face: who to be and if we are our authentic self, isn’t some “armchair expert” going to come along behind us and criticize it? To me, it is a uniquely woman problem. For years, others have been judging mothers who don’t nurse or who nurse too long; or mothers who don’t work or those who do. A half of a century after women entered the work force in droves, we are still subjecting women to the criticism of those who are not her and, even more, don’t know her.
And that got me thinking about myself. For decades, I was one type of woman and at that time, it was my authentic self. I loved the challenge of climbing the corporate ladder and then being a CEO. I loved to be busy and I thrived on the stress. Until, well, I didn’t. When I had the chance to experience this other side of myself – the one who loves being a homemaker and taking care of her family – it fulfilled me in a way that I hadn’t experienced before. Yet, I am mindful that had I done this the other way around and been a homemaker first, I would likely be saying these same very words about entering the corporate world.
The fact is, we are not caricatures. In this hyper-social media world and in a political environment that prizes idealism and absolutism over nuance and reasonableness, our visions about who we should be can sometimes become a false prophet. Had I not lived the true dichotomy of who I am, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t have gotten sucked into some idealized state of the thing that “defined me”. I shudder to think of how one-dimensional I would feel if I was only a corporate feminist or only a traditional housewife.
Instead, I am comforted by the idea that I am actually a study in contradictions. A few weeks ago, I was still commanding the room as I met with a corporate board as part of my “day job”. A few nights ago, I was sorting laundry and making sure that we had all of the clothes we needed for vacation washed and ready to go. Each, in their own way, fulfilled me and exhausted me. And that’s okay. Yes, I love the energy I get from being able to perform at such a high level professionally still. But it’s tiring to do all of that planning and travel for those few hours of professional joy. And let’s face it, while I love my clothesline in a truly unnatural way, ain’t no one finding their sole purpose in sorting dirty laundry.
But the lesson of this article has been profound for me. It reminded me that it’s okay to celebrate all of those sides of myself. As we leave for our trip, I’m a confident traveler and comfortable navigating myself and my husband, who travels much less, through large metropolitan airports. As we get the house ready to leave, I’m happy to be the homemaker who ensures that the house is clean and comfortable for the kitty sitters and that everything the furry ones could possibly need is at-hand. I’m likely always going to defer to my husband when we do renovation projects, until I think he’s wrong. 😊 But of the two of us, he has the stronger engineering mind and as a good executive, I know how to let the best talent lead. And occasionally, I am just plain lazy and a lump. Honestly? I’m okay with her, too.
In the end, I’m not sure any woman is all feminist or any woman is all traditional. Obviously, we lean various ways. But I would also caution all of us, including myself, not to eschew those contrasts that make us unique to who we are. Social media may not like it, but I have rarely met anyone who is completely honest on social media (though admittedly, I don’t spend a lot of time there). And I would also plead to all of us to stop telling anyone else how to live. If someone truly wants to be all traditional or all corporate, let them be. It’s their choice.
At the end of the day, if we are completely lucky, we get about 80 years on this earth. That’s just 80 Fourths of July, 80 Thanksgivings, and 80 rotations of the calendar. Many of those years get lost as we first grow up and then age. When we are alive, in control and making choices for ourselves, let’s give people the room to be who they are and let them enjoy the contrasts within themselves. And for goodness sake, let’s stop labeling ourselves. I am not a caricature and I refuse to be one. Instead, I am happily uniquely me. A number of times a day, I wish I was better at something and a number of times a day, I’m surprised by just how good I am. Mostly, I am just juggling my own contrasts and giving myself permission to be the best of me I can be that day.
The Yuppie Homesteader 