So, it’s been almost three weeks of “new life”. In fact, Friday is the three-week anniversary, but who’s counting? And while it’s early days yet with the distractions of a major renovation project cluttering up the process, life is different.
First, the outside pressure is off. I hadn’t realized that in working as a consultant for someone else, the external pressure had internalized to me as much as it had. But darn, life is different now. I’m still very busy as I try to get my business off the ground and I’m easily distracted with the renovation project. But, I also feel differently towards work and life. Before, there was the constant cycle of guilt when I wasn’t busy and a sense of being overwhelmed when I was. Now? I still want to work and be successful, but the guilt isn’t there.
The other major thing that’s different psychologically? Before, my day was still split – my firm and my real life. Now, it’s all combined. Take today for example. I have a call at 11 a.m. and it’s 10:11. If I was still working for the firm, I would already be telling myself I have to wind down anything I was doing for “us” so that I could get into “work mode”. Now? I’m happily typing away. Work is just a part of my day and doesn’t have to be rigidly segmented out. I used to envy my sister with this. She was able to do it so smoothly and I wondered why I couldn’t – even though I also worked part-time. But now I realize. Being your own boss is key to my psychological flexibility.
Now, in truth, there isn’t really much else that is different yet. Yes, I’ve been reading a bit more and I’ve been walking a bit more – both things I didn’t do before – but the ongoing renos around here are a bit of a distraction. If I have spare time, I can always use it to forward the reno project. And, with all of the extra things to clean around right now and other things piled in corners to make room to lay floors, there’s plenty of housekeeping things to keep me busy. But I like where this is going. There is a sense that life will move forward in a way that I was both envisioning and anticipating, but I hadn’t yet experienced.
To really get there, two things need to happen. First, I need to get steady work on my own, which is currently where my work efforts are focused. That will allow me to dial back the business development aspect of it all. Simultaneously, we need to finish the floors, doors and (maybe) trim upstairs. Combine those two things and I should really understand what my new life will look like. However, because it’s important for me to keep envisioning this life, I’ll take just a few moments to share it here:
First, I look forward to really getting on top of the housekeeping. Not the thing you expected, right? Let me explain how housekeeping is really the key to it all. One thing I envied and respected about my mom was that the house was always neat and clean. To date, I’ve only been able to do that about 60% of the time. But get my way clear to a more steady and renovated existence and I’d like to shoot for 90%. Life is still going to get in the way sometimes, but I think 90% is eminently doable.
And why is that so important to me? Well, mostly because it feels calm. With Darryl working so much and me working a little bit, having a messy house can feel like an additional distraction or stressor. With everything clean and calm, it actually creates free time. I envision Darryl and I being able to enjoy those hours between work and dinner in a new way. Maybe we go for a walk or have a drink outside on the back deck. Maybe I plan for an evening campfire on a random Tuesday or Wednesday night or we try a new recipe and cook together. Getting to 90% will literally give us back time in our days just because we will both feel like we have obligation-free hours to play with.
Next, I want that personal down time. While I’m sad that Darryl can’t have it, too, I also understand that I need it for myself. I am toying with several ideas, including re-investing in my friendships, starting to run again, reading a few more books and learning more creative activities such as painting or expanded gardening. One of the things that has been important for both of us is that we continue to explore our own individuality. In fact, in our wedding vows we promised to “always put us first, but to never lose our sense of self.” I will give Darryl all of the credit in the world because as busy as he is, he hasn’t. He still gardens like a farmer and is an Ironman triathlete. But me? Well, between work, my stress about work and my fledgling housekeeping activities, I’ve lost a bit of that sense of myself. I want to reclaim her. Again, I harken back to getting our lives in order so that everyday has free time as key to making this happen.
And finally, I want to enjoy moments. Of everything I want and everything I regret about my life, it’s about moments. There were times I was so rushed that I didn’t enjoy the moments. When we were in Antigua, I purposely made myself stop all thoughts and just enjoy the moment. Today, I try to make that same time each day with each one of the furry ones. I want to give them at least a few moments where they know they have my time and my attention and are very, very well-loved. When you have pets, it’s just so key to make them feel safe and secure. And on the bigger, human side, I want to stop rushing and enjoy moments. Brunch for Easter was one of those moments. We were busy, likely needed to keep on working on the house, but we made time for a smoked Old fashioned at the bar with my brother-in-law and an Easter brunch with the whole family. No one rushed through their meal and instead, we had a slow, wonderful celebration with good conversation and much laughter.
I want to create a life for ourselves that makes the time for moments. By smoothing the path forward for us, I can do that. If it means making the plans, ensuring the travel arrangements are nailed to a “T”, buying the supplies and doing the prep work, I can create opportunities to enjoy moments. Slowed down, stress free and distraction-less moments. And as much as I want these for myself, it will also be key that I make the room by making the plans so Darryl can enjoy these as well.
And so, I am committed to this transition and working my way through both the business development and the renos to get there. Each day, I’m trying to move the ball forward. This week, I can achieve success by continuing to work my contacts and put myself out there. At the same time, the more I can do a good job prepping my office for this weekend’s adventure in flooring, the more I set us up for success. And in the meantime, I’ll keep squeezing in the daily housework along with the longer-term stuff. Not only will there be good meals, a clean kitchen and fresh laundry, but I’m planning to turn over the beds to the linen sheets this weekend (from flannel) and to continue the purge of excess items so that when we actually do get to putting our upstairs back together, there will be less to store and less chaos overall.
The transition IS real. It is, perhaps, a little more subtle than I had hoped. But in a way, I actually believe that, too, is better. This is an evolution and not a sprint to some predetermined destination. As long as I keep the vision in mind and make the incremental progress that needs to be made, I can set this little family up for a long-term sustainable path to a shared new life.
And that doesn’t just feel wonderful… it was the point.
The Yuppie Homesteader 