In spring and fall, our mornings become particularly foggy around here. A combination of cooler temperatures and the nearby river combine to blanket the area in a heavy fog. Around 10 am, when the sun is finally bright enough to burn off the fog, the sun shines through. In the old days, I hated it. It felt like I couldn’t get outside and go about my day until around noon. I had to wait for the fog to burn off AND for the thick dew to finally dry, lest my shoes get soaking wet. These days? I find it amazingly comforting.
I’ve had a real sea change of late. Normally, I’m a summer/fall kind of girl. Those are my favorite seasons. But lately? Well, I’ve been looking forward to the cool of fall and even, dare I say it, the darkness and cold of winter. In fact, ever since my sisters and I decided to go cross country skiing on Friday afternoons, the lure of winter has brightened considerably. In fact, I am really enjoying this fall transition to cooler days. We have a few days next week with highs in the 40s. That’s okay by me: it will stop the grass from growing, finally.
But here’s what I really like about the foggy mornings: it gives me a slow lead-in to the day. What I used to hate – that I couldn’t get an early start on all of my day’s plans – has now become what I love. Mornings feel easy, calm and slow. Yes, I have things to do. But no, nothing is so urgent that I can’t enjoy my second cup of coffee first.
In the past few days, I’ve been working a little bit on acceptance and letting go of fear. For four months, I worked my heart out – more than I wanted, actually – to build up enough extra financial cushion to give myself a sabbatical. All along, I knew that sabbatical would begin October 1st and run through January 6th. Those dates were burned in my mind. But, instead of just relaxing, I indulged in one of my worst – and strongest – habits: I started worrying. Now, that didn’t happen right away. Since I was actually able to go on sabbatical in the last three days of September, I took those days and much of that first week just to get us caught up. The yard got trimmed and mowed, the house got deep cleaned, my lists got reorganized and we even did a couple of the small projects on our “home work” list. Then, about a week ago, life slowed down and I was finally caught up. That’s when I began to worry. What if the work never came back? What would I do? How could I keep myself out there? I don’t want work right now but how do I stay relevant? And since no one schedules a consultant three months in advance, how do I do business development?
Yep, I started spinning. And spinning. And spinning. I didn’t limit myself to just worrying about work. I worried about my sister, who has a health checkup soon, and my husband, who works a ton of hours, although at a job he loves. Yep. Spin. Spin. Spin.
Today, I actually told myself to stop. And what’s more? Its working. That fog outside? It’s slowing me down, forcing me to stop spinning and instead take stock of where I am. This is my sabbatical. My husband also reassured me last night that we are fine and even if I didn’t make money for six months, we would still be fine. His reassurance was invaluable and less about the money – we both know we’re okay financially – and more about his perception of my effort. You never want your partner to bear the full weight of the family responsibilities and think you’re not trying hard enough. Knowing that he’s okay also makes it okay for me.
So finally this morning, I’m back to enjoying my sabbatical. Iris and me are going to do a little cleaning. (Iris is our iRoomba and she does our floors every Friday.) While she vacuums, I’ll polish furniture, clean up the kitchen and put on a load of laundry. By this evening, Iris will be contentedly napping back at her base, my house will feel de-kittied and completely clean and I’ll hopefully maintain this calm sense of peace I’ve had for nearly 12 hours now.
But in all of this hubris, I think it’s important for me to realize that this sabbatical isn’t going to be completely easy for me, although I also really feel like its going to be exactly what I needed in so many ways. First, the down time really will be amazing and I’m genuinely looking forward to it. To have the time to relax, read, decorate, spend time with family, etc., is going to be hugely restoring. I’ve never had this kind of time off and I don’t expect to again, so I really do want to let go and just enjoy it. But I also know that I have just enough healthy fear to ensure that I don’t completely let go and that I will need to learn a better balance between my need to plan and reassure myself that the future is okay and my need to let go and just enjoy. I also know that this is going to be a very iterative process for me. I’m going to wax and wane. Sometimes, the fear will take over; sometimes, the relaxation will take over. Mostly, I need to exercise self-awareness and stop myself from going to either extreme. I really do think I can do that.
Finally, what I really think I will get out of this sabbatical: a complete reset on my life. I want to take the time over this sabbatical to minimize some of my worst habits. Worrying, honestly, tops the list. But also up there? Mindless scrolling or otherwise distracting myself to avoid real life. Breaking that addiction to my phone. Not exercising. Not enjoying the moments.
This sabbatical, I realize, is about so much more than just a couple of months off. It’s about self-actualizing a better way to live. I think that will be a challenge. It’s easy to fall into old habits, even if you don’t especially like them, simply because they are comfortable and easy. But to think that I have a chance to substantively change how I live? That’s hugely alluring.
Bring on this sabbatical. I have my head on straight again… for now.
The Yuppie Homesteader 