By the light of my desk lamp…

I didn’t exactly work late tonight – my call ended at exactly 4:03 p.m. But what happened next, made it feel later than it was. It was pitch dark by 5:24 p.m. In June, it doesn’t get dark until almost 10 p.m. But by the end of November, it gets pretty dark pretty early around here. For another solid month, it will keep getting darker and then it will take two months – not until late February – when it feels like it starts getting lighter again. Welcome to 42 North. Dark winters and Lake Effect snow but glorious, sun-filled summers that can’t be beat. If you’re going to live here year-round, you adjust.
Now, as much as I like to pretend I hate winter (and deep down, I do think it goes on wayyyyyy too long), the truth is that I love having four seasons. Tonight, we have a snow advisory for 3-7 inches. Will we get it? I doubt it. But it would just tickle my fancy to see snow on the ground in the morning.
Long before snow became synonymous with treacherous driving, changed plans and back-breaking shoveling, I loved the stuff. Now? I’m a bit ambivalent. On one hand, I really hate shoveling, but I have the kind of vehicle that does well driving in snow and I don’t have any grand plans anymore that need changing for inclement weather. If it didn’t hang on so long, I wouldn’t mind the stuff so much. But, in April when everyone else is getting 60- and 70-degree days and we’re getting Lake Effect Snow? Well then, I’m back to hating winter.
But for today and right now? Even the darkness is okay. It feels quiet and cozy. Dinner is prepped and mostly in the oven, my hubby is finishing up work and the cats are all tuckered out and finding their own spaces to sleep. Me? I’m left alone in the quiet with my thoughts. Coming up to Thanksgiving week, that’s not a bad place to be.
It occurs to me that this year, I have so much to be thankful for. Mostly, everyone is healthy and there is just no replacement for that. And then, everyone has pretty much found their place in this world. I imagine that the younger generation scoffs at us old-timers who worry about everyone finding their place – I know I once did – but it gives me comfort. I like all my birdies in the nest and everyone well-accounted for. As for me? I’m satisfied with my lot in life. After spending some time floundering just a little bit earlier this month while I worried about where the future consulting hours were going to come from, I’ve also found my path. It will be reliable, steady and – the best part – a path of self-determination. There is just nothing like being in control of one’s own future.
And now? Well, like the cats, I’m ready to settle down for a winter’s rest. Tomorrow’s docket features the tiniest bit of work before I shut the computer for Thanksgiving week. Even when I reopen it in December, the work is thin on the ground and merriment is thick in the air. I’m working on my special Christmas “to do” list which will include holiday baking, decorating, cutting our own tree, a trip to the movies, dinner out with friends, a bottle of champagne in front of the Christmas tree and plenty of time with family. For me this year, coming unplugged and undone is my own perfect ending.
Not since I was a teenager has a holiday season beckoned so welcomingly. It’s time to let go and let my hair down. If I didn’t achieve it before now, well let’s be honest: it’s not getting done in December. Instead, the whole of who I am is focused nearly singularly on one thing: enjoying this holiday season to the fullest. Again, I was a kid when I could last let go this easily. This year, perhaps more than I ever realized, I needed this return to being carefree. I watch my husband and my sister both working so hard and I wish they could be here in this place with me but I know in my heart that it was probably me most of all that needed this. Every once in awhile, even the family worrier has to become carefree.
So, here’s what I’m really thinking on this eve of Thanksgiving: hold those you love tight. Reach out to those you haven’t talked to and celebrate with those who have reason to celebrate this year. For those who are grieving, be kind and thoughtful. That will ease an ache they can’t even express to you. For those in need, give generously. It’s okay to just give for once. You will get so much in return. And finally, take moments to simply breathe and be. Find joy in the purr of formerly starving and sick rescue and let your heart be touched by the random kindness of a stranger. Be the “angel among us” when you can. Tuck an extra $10 into the Salvation Army bucket, hold open the door for the mom with kids struggling to manage a cart and a runaway toddler, help that older person get that can from the top shelf, visit someone who often doesn’t get company, send holiday greetings to those afar and tuck a special gift under the tree for someone you don’t even know. The magic of the holidays doesn’t happen because the calendar ticks Dec. 25th or because some guy in a red suit visits every home in one night. Nope. It happens because we give love.
This year, I am so thankful. I did not earn a single thing I’ve been gifted. I did not deserve this happy space in life. I didn’t win a lottery and I didn’t exercise a “life equity” clause that allowed the universe to pull even with me. I know that and it hopefully keeps me humble. But I am incredibly grateful and all the more so because I just don’t deserve it.