I did two things yesterday: I deleted this game app on my phone which I have actively been using to distract myself. And I committed to stop giving into my anxiety. If I can be successful in giving up both things, I will achieve the greatest gift for myself and others: I will be present.
I realized sometime over this sabbatical that I often give into fear and that infects others as well as my relationship with them. Who wants to be with a stress ball? Not me. I eschew those people. And yet, that’s who I am and, hopefully, how I can soon describe who I was. The other thing was that I used the game as a way to obsessively manage my stress. For the sake of others who may self-identify, I used the game to state my burning desire. Then, if I won, the desire would come true. It was God or the Fates talking to me. Sound silly? Absolutely. Did I do it and half-believe it? Absolutely.
On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, when I was able to be present with my little nuclear family and then my larger family with my sisters, I was something different: I was present. In being present, I saw how unfounded my fears were. And in seeing that, I realized how my fears were actually in-between me and those I loved most. In some cases, my anxiety spread to them and they adopted it as their own. In other cases, my anxiety was off-putting and the slightest shield of a guard came up. In those rare moments of clarity, I learned to recognize what I often thought was the victimless crime of my anxiety had actually done. It is time to let go.
And here’s what I discovered: my anxiety is an act of selfishness. Yes, I’m anxious for them – my own life is pretty good. But, they don’t want my anxiety. And I’m only being anxious to protect myself, not them. If I can let that anxiety go? I can be fun, engaging, insightful… present.
When I quit my job as a CEO, I told my staff honestly that it was not them, it was me. While I had learned to be good as a CEO, I had found out I sucked at being a human and particularly a family member. I had only made time to be there for family during the hard times. During the good times, I let them be. They were having fun and I could put in the necessary hours to be successful. It turns out, I told them, that they had needed me during the good times as well but I had been too blind to see it. In the past two days as I practiced being the human I wanted to be, I also saw how much my anxiety and pandering to it had made me less than who I was. And while there is a little sadness in that realization for all of the time lost – again – there is also great hope. I still have a full week off with my husband and I can be as present as I ever was with him this week. I can do the same on “Ski Fridays” with my sisters. In fact, every day, I can be present. What I need to do is break the habit of allowing anxiety to reign. While that’s going to be hard – habits are habits because they are familiar and comfortable – the gain is so worth it.
So, I start today. I’m sure progress is not going to be linear or simple. I’m sure that I will backslide, wallow there for awhile and then have to pull myself up short many times. But just like learning to love my new life and disengaging from the incredible power of being a responsibility junkie finally set in, I think I can do this thing. I’ve unlearned bad habits before. Plus, the reward of unlearning this one is so great.
Baby steps for now but this anxiety has got to go. And I’m not even anxious about getting rid of it!
The Yuppie Homesteader 