It took awhile, but gradually this weekend I wrestled back something that I had lost: my sense of peace. Honestly? With the slowdown for my little microbusiness, I started feeling tremendous self-imposed pressure to produce new work and it was nearly like I was back at my firm. But then, a few things happened. First, I had a fabulous afternoon at our family “Lake Olympics” on Saturday afternoon. On makeshift curling sheets, my hubby and I made it to the finals although we lost quite badly there. It was a beautiful – but very cold – sunny day. The sun alone was worth the price of admission.
Then, my hubby and I had a long talk on the way to the lake. He supports me and believes in me; he’s fearful I don’t do the same for myself. I had to make a decision: own my peace or continue to struggle. I chose my peace.
It was actually not an easy decision. In fact, it feels much more responsible to continue to worry about finding new work and then translating that worry into some interpretation about the long-term sustainability of my microbusiness. But somehow I finally realized something: my worry wasn’t making the task of finding new leads any better or easier. Instead, my worrying was getting in the way – both of the success of my business and the reason I started it anyway. If I let go – just a little bit – I got my life back. But I had to make the choice to let go.
The truth is that I fear becoming a statistic of so many failed small businesses. And yet, as my husband points out to me, I’ve only given this thing 10 months. It deserves at least another year and possibly six months beyond when my restrictive covenant rolls off. His take? It’s early days yet and there was always going to be a wax/wane cycle. My feeling? I’m just a little too risk-averse to handle the “wane” part all that well.
But this week, I’m promising myself to do better – and to stop panicking. I got a good lead on some new work last week and we are officially halfway through winter. So, if I stay disciplined and do that 1-2 hours of business development daily, something will break. In the meantime, I have enough small projects to keep me going and not become a burden on the family finances. It’s not much, but I’ll take my victories. More than that? I’ll enjoy my life.
That’s the biggest decision of all. After weeks of feeling like I’m just not good enough, I finally feel that I am legitimate again. Maybe not successful, but not a failure either. I’m about a C+ or B- in the game of life. For someone used to straight As, it’s a little bit uncomfortable here. Will I get there in the end? I will definitely try.
Today was all about doing better for us and myself. Outside of my BD, I got my hair cut, shoveled and then salted our driveway, ran some errands and I’m now doing laundry. Thanks to a big cooking weekend, we have plenty of dinners around here. So, what’s left for me to do boils down to just being present in my own life. I decided to work part-time and for myself for a reason and it boils down to the six other heartbeats in this house along with the life we’ve built here. It may be winter and – apparently – my slow season, but I prayed for this. I best start enjoying it.
The Yuppie Homesteader 