One sock!

My husband tells what he thinks is this illustrative story about me. Evidently one harried morning, I walked down the stairs in a huff and as I reached the kitchen, I examined the socks I believed I was holding in my hand. Looking down, I realized I had lost one along the way and held up its mate to my husband, declaring, “One sock!” in frustration. He thought it was hysterical and literally giggled while I ended up trudging back up the stairs to find its mate. The background of the story is that every night when I go to bed, I slip off whatever pair of socks I put on when I changed into my PJs. Then, when I wake up, I put them back on until I can hop in the shower. My husband erringly believes that there is a bevy of lonely socks on my side of the bed. (There isn’t. Perhaps one every once in a while, but candidly the bedroom is picked up every day.) Still, to him, it was incredibly funny. And an example of how I run through life just a little too fast and end up having to backtrack a bit.

He’s not wrong.

I do seem to always be in a hurry. However, as we finish up years’ worth of renovations, it’s time for me to really slow down and embrace the calm and quiet of a simple life. We have worked so hard to get here that I am super wary of cheating myself out of it.

And yet… . Well, it feels like I have the tools to get this right even if I’m not quite there yet. As I sit here on the couch in my home office, I can see the forest that surrounds my little cabin on the edge of the woods. Since we are slightly past peak here, the view we have now is becoming my personal favorite. No, the trees aren’t ablaze anymore – and honestly, they weren’t that bright this year. Instead, many trees are bare and most have lost at least half of their leaves. The pine trees stick out like beacons of green. And instead of the forest being so dense you can barely see through it, you can now see past the trees to the leaf-laden forest floor. The view itself imparts a sense of calm, of winding down and of letting go.

Life is bleating out all sorts of signals to me these days that it’s time to truly slow down.  This time? I’m listening. And reflecting. And understanding. And accepting.

If someone asked me before this moment what my semi-retired life was like, I would have answered that it was slightly busier than working full time. But now? I realize it doesn’t have to be. At this point, we still have to finish the deck stairs and the ceiling repair in my husband’s office. Then, if we get nothing else done, it’s okay. We did what we had to. The rest of the time? Well, it’s time to be.

This week, my goal is to finish work each day in the early afternoon depending on meetings. In between, I have plenty of time to simply be as I don’t need to be anywhere or do anything (except take a friend up to the airport tomorrow night). Groceries are bought, the house is cleanish (I could always do more) and the outside work rush is over. The grass really isn’t growing anymore and the leaves are now just gradually falling. Until the elm decides to give up its leaves, we are in a holding pattern.

It’s actually hard for me to imagine that we are finally “here” – at that junction where life does, indeed, slow down. First, I expected some glorious ending. Or at least a hard stop. Nope. It’s more of a petering out of work to be done. Okay, not that firm line of demarcation I was looking for but not bad. Second, I thought we would be in a better place emotionally when we got here. But right now, we both have a few professional challenges that are leaving us fatigued and a bit keyed up at the same time. Finally, the news that our oldest, sweetest, little girl kitty has inoperable cancer was a body blow we weren’t expecting. While we are determined to give her an incredible quality of life for her remaining days, there is a bit of an emotional toll to all of this.

And yet, we are here. We did make it. And life, while we all have it, is certainly a cause for celebration. So, it’s time now to learn how I live differently. If I do this right, I can help all of the heartbeats in this house do the same. Honestly, as the part-time professional and full-time family engineer around here, that’s my job. The biggest hurdle here? Me. I’m so used to finishing one thing and immediately asking myself, “what’s next?” that I’ve forgotten how to relax. But give me a hot minute and I’ll figure out how to get there.

In a way, that’s what today is for. I have to be honest and state I wasn’t expecting it to be today. It’s a random Monday. It’s my first day back from vacation and isn’t that supposed to be hell? Its cloudy, not bright and sunny. It’s just not how I pictured my entry into a new permanent state of greater peace. Yet, it’s here and it’s up to me to adjust. So far this morning, I’ve followed up on every email I needed to, I’ve made the bed, vacuumed the house, loaded, started and unloaded the dishwasher, scooped kitty boxes, gave everyone a little individual attention and even fluffed pillows and rearranged shoes. I keep forcing myself to sit, write and sink into a new way of living. And I keep getting up, remembering one small thing to do, searching for something else to do. I think this is gonna take awhile… . Sigh.

But this is truly all I’ve ever wanted. Right now, the house is incredibly quiet. The furry ones have all retreated to their favorite napping spots and only a small tornado would move them. My hubby is working and I’ve wound down my work day so that I’m sitting here typing while also randomly looking for things I need to do. Since it’s taken me all day to write this post – and it usually takes me about an hour – I’m accepting it as an indication that this transition is going to take some time.

Alrighty then. Since I need to finish this post and move on with my life, I’m giving myself until the day after Thanksgiving to finally let it all sink in. Why that date? Well, we need a few weeks here – possibly a full month – to finish up the dregs of renos and to ensure my sweet girl is doing as well as it appears she’s doing right now. Then, a week of cleanup. Then, just some time to remember who I am when I’m not harried. That’s going to take some work. Finally, I’m thoroughly looking forward to hosting Thanksgiving this year and doing my big, fabulous homemade dinner. It will be for me the celebration of all of those completed renovations, a tribute to my sweet kitty’s health (who is the one thing I’m grateful for this year) and a moment in time that’s all about family.