The whole point of this blog is about my journey to simple peace. Nearly a decade ago, in a yoga Nidra class, I had to come up with my intention. Not even truly thinking about it, simple peace came to mind. When it did, I realized that I had been coming to this concept for awhile and it just took a small event to focus me there. From that moment on, simple peace became my true north. Everything I do is designed to celebrate a simple, peaceful lifestyle.
However, followers of this blog would note that for someone who has such a clear vision of how she wanted to live, I have serious difficulty executing it. The reason is somewhat simple: at my core, I’m a responsibility junkie who is highly distractable. Oh, and we needed to fully renovate our home.
Both elements played their part. As a responsibility junkie, I couldn’t take the whole “part-time” thing seriously enough. I feared scarcity of work more than I feared many things, including snakes. So, if work came along and pushed me over my part-time gig, I grabbed it with both hands. Those were my insurance policies for “some day” when the work got slow. Except it never did and it became quite clear that through my own actions, I was working nearly full-time for a part-time salary. Two years ago, I finally addressed that disparity and went out on my own. It doesn’t fully correct the fear of scarcity, but I now keep that extra I earn.
The second element could be up for debate – somewhat. I mean who really NEEDS to renovate their home? It was safe and warm and everything worked-ish. But, it had its issues and likely a good decade of deferred maintenance exacerbated those issues leading some things to become less safe. Finally, we wanted a home that worked for us that was open, energy efficient, modern and – possibly most important to me – all hardwood floors to get rid of the carpeted sources of allergies. We layered in one complexity – to do everything out of cash and as much on our own as we could. Why? Well, we are certainly capable of doing the work and at our age, the idea of taking on debt isn’t something we want to do. The impact of that choice? Everything took way longer… like, years longer.
Fast forward to today. We are here. Finally here. We finished up renovation projects just before the holiday and I’ve started the new year with renewed purpose to stay within my part-time boundaries. Now, I need to build a life.
Honestly? It’s going okay. Well, okay-ish. I’ll admit it: I’m a bit lost. I know I need to do better but I do struggle sometimes. My biggest hurdle? Who am I if I’m not the responsible one? Yet, I look around and there’s nothing really extra for me to take responsibility for. The house is done and work is done for the week. We dodged a bullet with the storm and I can’t even claim to need to shovel. The biggest things I NEED to do (and I use the term loosely)? Get my cross country skis in my car for this afternoon, figure out our apres ski snacks and find deck furniture for our new deck this spring. Seriously. That’s it. House is clean, we will go out for dinner tonight and even laundry is caught up.
All of my life, I envied the ladies who lunched or the weekly golf team members. I couldn’t figure out how they all had the time, but I envied them. Today? I could be a lady who lunches but that’s too many calories and I wouldn’t subject anyone to either my horrible golf play or the fact that I can’t even fathom spending four hours golfing. Yet, I have the time. I envied folks who were in a book club, a hiking club or even taking a cooking course. Sure, I could do that now, but it seems like noise. I don’t want noise in my life.
And so, I sit here and wonder if everything I worked for all of these years wasn’t a mirage I was truly not prepared to live. Like, did I simply want what I couldn’t have but now that I have it I don’t want it? Or, is this part of the transition?
That’s truly a hard one for me to answer. For someone so driven, I actually fear it’s the former. But for someone who has literally dreamed about the second, I desperately want it to be the latter. I’m going with latter and here’s why: it feels good and it feels real.
The feel good is obvious. I did dream about this, I planned for this, I prayed for this and I did sacrifice – repeatedly – for this. I genuinely believe in my heart of hearts that this is truly what I’ve always wanted. But more than that? This idea of a transition feels real. Everything is always awkward at the start. Whether you’re starting a new job, moving into a new home or starting a new relationship or a new renovation project, it’s awkward to get started. You’re inefficient, you feel out of place and the surroundings are unfamiliar. But give yourself some time? Then, you barely remember what life was like before whatever new transition you made.
I have to believe that the same is true now. I’m in my awkward phase. I default to what I know – checking emails, scrolling for new client opportunities, cleaning anything I can find to clean, and planning for things far in advance. That feels safe and comfortable. But I am also getting a little more flexible. Skiing today was originally cancelled and then it was back on. Hmmm, no worries. My calendar’s still free. The house is picked up by 10 a.m. each morning. Alrighty then, I can sip and enjoy a cup of coffee, or better yet, a cup of peppermint tea. (God knows, I don’t need extra caffeine.) And evenings have become nothing short of fabulous. When my husband’s day ends at a more reasonable time, we enjoy a cocktail and a conversation before dinner. Yes, we’re “those people” who usually eat between 7:30 and 8:30 p.m., but having time for an actual cocktail before dinner is a great time to just connect and be.
My true belief is that I’ll get there – wherever there is. It’s going to take me awhile and a bunch of fits and starts to actually relax. I’m likely going to join a club – I recently joined the local Facebook hiking group – and be there for months before I really participate. I’ll go back and forth 100 times on deck furniture, but I’ll actually relax and enjoy the shopping. And I’ll figure out what my new life looks like. While I want there to be serious benefits to my family, I also know I need for there to be serious benefits for me as well. When we got married, my husband and I promised to “put us first, but never lose our sense of self.” I likely lost my sense of self somewhere in all of those obligations. But I’m ruminating. And just like during that yoga Nidra class all those years ago, I do believe the solutions will appear at the right time and like an old friend, I’ll just know that they’re the right ones.
So, I need to build a life now. Okay. I think I can do that.
The Yuppie Homesteader 