This past spring, I experienced an unexpected slowdown in my work. At the time, I simply accepted it. Consultants are a dime a dozen (maybe even less valuable than that) and while what I do is fairly specialized, it’s also not brain surgery. I was pretty realistic about my professional life: I knew I had an expiration date and I believed I was close to it. If it was over, it was over. Then, I ended up with a challenging project this summer which made me realize that for all of my angst about retirement, I was really ready to retire. Less than a hot minute later, I got busy again and will enjoy a highly productive October and November.
So, what gives? Am I retired? Am I not retired? Do I fully embrace working or do I make working my side gig to my home life?
The real question I’m asking here: who am I now?
I have been struggling a bit with self-identification these days. It matters because my self-identification leads to my own self-actualization. Who I determine I want and need to be gives me a roadmap by which to conduct my affairs. In this in-between place? Yeah, I’m having a tough time figuring out who I am.
Now, the above sentence doesn’t necessarily mean I’m unhappy or I’m struggling. What it does mean? I’m a visualizer. Or in more honest terms, a daydreamer. Once I have a vision of who I want to be and how my life is going to go, I do pretty well at making it happen. These days, however, I’m torn. On one hand, I desperately want to be retired. On the other? I like making a meaningful contribution – both to my clients and to our home.
The easy solution? Accept that I am both. The problem with that? I don’t do dichotomy and I don’t do easy.
Yet, this may be one of those times in my life when I actually have to stop daydreaming and accept a new reality. Is this one going to be a little funky? Well, yeah. In my world of either/or, this one is going to be a little more like all-in on one thing for a while, then all-in on the other. Let’s be honest here: it took me years to find balance being part-time home/part-time working. The idea that there are times in my life when I’ll be full-time home and then full-time working? Mind-blowing. I mean, how is my routine-focused self ever going to establish tried-and-true schedules when they’re constantly flipping?
In reality it may not be that bad, but I’ll be honest enough to say I’m working on getting my head around it. For example, the idea that I’ll have a working October has been a bit mind-bending to me. I want to be in my fall-to-Christmas-to-New Year holiday mode, but… well, I’m working. So, I can’t just bake pumpkin pies and cuddle up in my super cozy Pendleton fall throw. Nope, I gotta be a career girl. Except, well… today, I don’t. I have one call today that requires no prep. Nothing for me to do. So, maybe I should bake something or roast something or – I don’t know – pick apples or rake leaves? For God’s sake, what should I be doing?!
All joking aside, it’s a little bit of a visualization problem I’ve got going on. And again, for me it matters. I feel more comfortable when I’m self-defined. I want to know who I’ve chosen to be. It shapes how I interact with the world from the serious – my financial goals – to the not-so-serious – how I introduce myself. I’ve come to accept that for now, I’ll just have to deal with being a little uncomfortable. I also need to accept that I am likely to wax and wane on true retirement for some significant amount of time into the future.
In the end, I genuinely think this is the best course for me. While I’m a big fan of self-definition, it was always going to be very difficult to give up that working girl side of me. Conversely, I am ready to retire and live a slower pace of life. Finally, I want to do all of these life changes with some synchronization with my husband so we can enjoy them together. So, this in-and-out, back-and-forth, am-I-or-aren’t-I approach to retirement will ultimately work for me, as uncomfortable as it feels in this moment. The more I get used to down time, the less things I find to spend money on and the more I get comfortable with defining myself as retired, the more I’ll transition to the unemployed ranks. But for now?
Well, I gotta be me… . Whoever that is.
