Remember that part where I loved summer? Yep, me too. It’s high summer season and I can’t wait for fall. What gives?
Well, first, I’m a Pumpkin Pam deep down. I love fall and everything it brings. Mostly, though, it brings the promise of calm and quiet. The garden goes fallow, the leaves fall and the yard stops needing mowed. The kids go back to school and everything settles down. Where I am today? Man, do I need things to settle down.
Now, this craziness was all self-induced. I took on three gigs which landed over the course of late June through mid-July. Those gigs have deadlines of July and August. Get the picture? I did this to myself.
But now? I can’t wait until its over. I miss our life. I feel like a stranger in my own home – just phoning it in and treading water until the serenity comes back.
Today, however, I’m seeing the first glimpses of normality return. Not because it’s going to get that much easier anytime soon but because there is hope on the horizon. In reality, July was my “really awful” month and it’s two-third over. August is my plain “awful” month. September has the chance to be amazing – and productive – if my one gig comes through. Otherwise, it can be quietly amazing and I’ll just celebrate that.
And then, October. Oh, sweet October. I’m gonna love you. October should be blissfully, amazingly quiet. Like deep-in-your-soul quiet. That would be fabulous.
Still, what I’m quietly celebrating today is that I have one more “tough” week in July. The following week should be slightly easier. Then, August will hit and while there would be two very tough weeks, by mid-August, two of my three work projects should be completed (one must be completed; the other should be well on its way). The third project is super small and a lot of fun, actually.
And then? Oh man, maybe I’ll have a little time to love summer again?
It dawns on me that everything was going so well until I had to go and screw it up by worrying about finding work. That led to a series of decisions that I probably wouldn’t have made under other circumstances. Now? Well, I genuinely can say I’ve learned my lesson. Once I make it through these next four weeks, I promise myself that I will never do this to again (and notice I’m not saying “if” anymore). So, that’s my silver lining.
Right now, the peace that I was hoping I’d have to enjoy a summer full of yard games, backyard campfires, garden adventures and berry picking has been lost. While I spent a few weeks actively grieving and bemoaning this loss, I’m now at a different sense of peace. I’ll make it through these next four weeks and then I’m largely calling it a career. My goal shifts entirely from big monthly paydays to “just enough” work to keep my head right and earn a little pocket money.
And then? Then, I take care of me, my hubby, our furry ones, our families and our home.
Before this summer happened, I wasn’t sure about retirement. I felt guilty and that I should want to keep working. I hated the thought of reducing our lifestyle any. I was scared about how I’d function if I wasn’t working. I worried – probably falsely – about money. I worried less about identity but I also worried about what comes after retirement. Was I hastening my own demise?
Fast forward to today and those questions have been answered. I am at peace and I am completely and emotionally ready for my own version of retirement (where I work about 4-6 hours a week). It wasn’t the easiest, smoothest or most elegant way to get to this decision. In fact, I bumbled my way through it and made it much more of a big deal and a tumultuous decision than it needed to be. Ah well, that’s a little bit of who I am.
But now? Now, I’m ready and I’m desperately looking forward to this fall and the beginning of my new life. While it may mean one more “lost” summer and that could have been avoided, I don’t regret the experience because it gave me the certainty I truly needed.
Labor Day. Just think about it. That’s the end of my crazy and the beginning of our next chapter.
The Yuppie Homesteader 